dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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