3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
