im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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