Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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