I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
