just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
