saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
