Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
