the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
