i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
