took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
