wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
