Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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