i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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