apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
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i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
There's even glitter on my cock...
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