Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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