A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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