How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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