he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
