We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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