New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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