can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
