I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
