Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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