Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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