I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Randomize