theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I did not marry a roomba.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
