my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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