he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
