Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
