Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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