Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
