glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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