Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
