rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
