you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
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Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
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