So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
