My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
