Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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