I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You are a genius and a whore.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
