The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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