why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
