and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
