Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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