i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
