Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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