remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
