i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
