Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
