So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
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There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
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I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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