i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
