i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
