I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
