Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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